Not a News Flash: Kampala Real Estate Agents are Crooks, Or, My Housing Search Continues

“Please Madame, give me 1000 for transport back to my Ntinda stage,” one broker asked me the other day. First of all, we were in Naguru, so it doesn’t even cost 1000 to get back to Ntinda. Second, he’d already wasted my time: he made me come to Ntinda to see the place in Naguru, even though I was coming from town so it would have been closer for me to meet him in Naguru. Third, he’d already asked me for money to see houses and flats that weren’t what I asked for. And finally, if he doesn’t move with at least 1000 shillings in his pocket, he has bigger problems than finding me a house.

I didn’t give him any money.

You call an agent, tell them what you want, they tell you that you’ll have to pay to even see places. I don’t pay until I find a place, I say. But still, they ask for money for petrol, for transport, any shilling they can squeeze out of you.

And what hasn’t failed to surprise me, despite the fact that I’ve moved with half a dozen brokers already, is that they truly don’t listen to what you want. You tell them, I need three bedrooms, so they take you to places with either two bedrooms or five bedrooms. You tell them, it must be close to the main road, and still you go down the road so far that you wouldn’t be able to find your way back on your own. You tell them, I can spend this much money, and they either take you to shit holes that they claim cost what your budget is or to places twice as much as you can spend.

You’d think, these guys want to make money, right? So they should show you what you ask for. But no, they just waste your time. Do they really and truly think you’ll change your mind and suddenly want a different number of rooms or a completely different price range? I say, we are three people, we need three rooms. But they show me places with two rooms (where will the third person sleep? In the kitchen?) or half a dozen rooms, plus staff quarters, as if the three of us were to suddenly multiply and become more. Or, they show you places far beyond your budget, and expect that suddenly you’ll come up with several hundred spare dollars per month. Given that these are the same people who ask you for a thousand shillings, it’s amazing to me that they think your budget will suddenly triple.

My favorite real estate occurrence is when brokers take you to places that are already filled. You’d think they would call ahead and find out, but no, they want what? The money for petrol, the money for transport, and just more damned face time.

I’d love to penetrate the psyche of one of these crooks and find out just how they expect to make money when they can’t even manage to do their job properly

I know that MBAs are in short supply in Uganda, but this isn’t even a matter of a higher degree but of some common sense and basic acumen.

It’s amazing to me that these agents stay in business. It’s even more amazing to me that anyone in the entire city of Kampala has ever found a place to live going through this god-awful process.

So yes, if you know a broker who isn’t a completely incompetent fuck head, do let me know.